This Discovery of Ourselves: Death and Resurrection

"Death is an egoectomy."  This is a quote from a seven day silent retreat in Centering Prayer I participated in last fall at Saint Mary's Retreat Center in Sewanee.  The theme of the retreat was "The Gift of Life" and focused on awareness of death and dying - life and living.

What is your reaction to the quote? Death is an egoectomy (the removal of ego, the unseating of it from the driver's seat of your life)?  What are your first thoughts and emotions?  First reactions to death and any kind of ectomy are typically not pleasant.  Regarding death, a humorous quote from Woody Allen you may be familiar with is "I do not fear death; I just do not want to be there when it happens."  Regarding ego, when the ego in the driver's seat we are on a detour to the spiritual path.  Dr. Phil might ask "How is that working for you?"  At some point most of us come to the realization that the answer is "not so good."

I am now 68 and my physical death is probably nearer now than ever before. I do expect to live much longer, but a motivation for me to attend the silent retreat was to deepen my awareness and understanding of living and dying.  During the retreat I became aware of a process of completing my life.  We began the retreat with a reading of John 12:24-25 and a quote from Thomas Merton "This discovery of ourselves is always a losing of ourselves - a death and resurrection. Your life is hidden with Christ in God...it cannot be an escape...it must be a fulfillment...the courage to face myself exactly as I am....therefore the discovery of myself is always a losing of myself...a death and resurrection..."

Reflections on this scripture and insights from Thomas Merton during the silent retreat deepened my awareness of living and dying as an ongoing process.  David Steindl-Rast refers to this as living in the "double realm." He is now in his 90's.  He indicated in a recent interview that living in the double realm is a longing for connection with God, for our deepest self in relationship to God, with others, and all of creation. He said, "Our deepest human longing, is for "be" longing...for belonging to our true selves, for belonging to all others...and that doesn't only mean human beings, but all other animals [and] plants. It's belonging to the whole universe and most of all experiencing God in us...We long for that...the realization that God is in us and we are in God... That longing gives us charge."

Near the end of the silent retreat we were given a quote from Thomas Keating "Trust in God and "be" there as much as you can..." I caught a glimpse of this during the silent retreat. After many years of intentional contemplation I know that the ego does not drop dead on command. Yet, if considered with loving kindness it can become an important part of an awakened heart in each of us.

For more on how to undergo an ego egoectomy with humor you can google "the egoectomy procedure in ten not so easy steps."


Gary Stewart

Hear Gary Stewart on Sunday, May 22 at the Forum at 10:00am at Christ Church Cathedral.