Finding God's Welcome Within

I wonder what God’s welcome would really look like.  I mean total, unconditional welcome.  Have you ever wondered how many friends you would have if you revealed all of who you really are?  I have certainly had such thoughts.  When someone has given me a compliment, to myself I have thought, “That is nice, but if you really knew the truth of me you would not say that!”     Last week in staff meeting and again last Wednesday night with Rabbi Kline, we discussed the very real truth, that without welcoming one’s self, one cannot welcome anyone else.  Rabbi Kline said that prayer is about going down into the very depths of the self and seeing what is there.  Where are the wounds, the inner homeless, and the inner terrorists?  We must welcome all of ourselves and bring them into the light.     When I go on retreat, I begin to let go of all of my pretenses, some of which I may not even realize are there.  I am tired from the pace and from wearing all of the hats that I seem to think that I must wear.  There is the Christian Formation hat, mother hat, wife hat, spiritual director hat, friend hat...  Then of course there is taking care of the body and doing all with a smile.  So, I can get exhausted and lost in all of these good things!     On my very first extended silent retreat I hardly left my room for the first 2 ½ days.  I had no idea that I was so tired.  I got to the retreat center Sunday afternoon.  By Wednesday I was rested up and more than ready to go home.  It however was not time to go.  I had five more days.  I had almost a feeling of panic.  How could I possibly spend that much time with just me?  My spiritual director was very gentle with me and gave me some scripture passages to ponder.  One was about how God delights in me.  I had a while to be with me and to see what God could really delight in.     What I found out was that God did not require anything of me in order to delight in me.  I could stay grungy, be angry or even full of rage, happy, sad, or mean and God would still be at my very core welcoming me into wholeness.  I got in touch with this intimacy with God on this very first long retreat about 17 years ago.  I knew a presence that I had never known at such depth.  Somehow this depth of knowing enabled me to love and accept myself more than I had.  I didn’t want to leave.  I was afraid I would lose this intimacy that I had found.     I came home and have tried to make it a practice to go on a yearly retreat.  I have found that that presence is always deep within me.  It is kind of like a good friend or spouse whose love is there daily.  It takes those times of getting away together however, from all distractions to really connect.      I am now beginning to anticipate with excitement my upcoming retreat in November.   I am longing for this soaking time with God.  I encourage you to take up this practice if you do not already.  You will find that you are loved and welcomed beyond measure and will then desire to give this love and welcome away.